I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
