I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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