If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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