Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize