Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
