i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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