Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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