I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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