I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize