yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
