I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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