chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize