You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
