Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
