I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i think i just lost a toe
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
