I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is Oprah even human
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
