I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Randomize
