WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
