i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
50% drunk capacity currently
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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