Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
