Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
