I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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