people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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