Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
