Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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