Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
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