I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Randomize