Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Two words: nipple clamps
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