I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
