I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
