Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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