I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
