Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
