So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
