I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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