i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
