I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
