your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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