I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Even the bartender felt bad for me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
