I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
my poor anus
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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