my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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