two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
