I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
