her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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