nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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