my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize