Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
