Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
