I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
