He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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