WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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