This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
