dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
