how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
