I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
