I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
