i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
