I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
