My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
