ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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