just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
