I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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