what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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